What are The Quiet Years?
The Quiet Years are the identity shift that nobody warned you about.
It starts when your child doesn't need you in quite the same way anymore. Things change for them, and it reveals a lot about you too.
Your children are walking to school alone, they’re spending time in their bedrooms more, they’re spending time out with their friends more, and it's a lot isn't it?
It’s so hard to let your kids go, but at the same time you know you need too.
The Quiet Years are that time when things so a little quieter around the home, where you spend more time going out and doing things alone, like food shopping, and stuff, because your kids just don’t want to spend time with you.
It starts off slowly though, it doesn’t just start with you doing everything alone because they’re either out themselves or choosing to stay home. It starts with that first time at around 10 years old usually, that they walk to school alone.
It starts with that first time they decide that actually they want to spend all day in their bedroom at the weekends, or after school rather than in the same room as you.
It is those little moments that you are now doing alone, that make you think about the times your child used to help you with this, and the times you used to do things together that they just don’t want any part of anymore.
That is The Quiet Years, the time when all this starts, to when it’s their time to leave the nest.
It's not just about them
The Quiet Years aren’t just for them to be more independent though, they’re for you too.
It brings up a lot of thoughts and worries for you, as well as emotions though doesn’t it?
Like the silent tears that fall when you watch them walk down that road to school for the first time alone.
It’s the panicking every time they are 5 minutes late from school, or watching them leave for school in the mornings, the worry that something terrible will happen because you’re not their to take care of them.
It’s the pacing the floor watching out of the window or standing at the door waiting for them to come back, when you’re all pent up and stressed until that sudden relief when you see they’re actually ok.
Of course it’s going to bring up a lot.
It’s such a big change, but they don’t see it the same way. How could they? They’re loving their freedom, loving life, and just happy to have that freedom you’re giving them now. They’re really enjoying it, excited about it and that’s great, they need this change. It is time to let them go more.
That saying that goes, if you love them you’ll let them go. Yeah that is absolutely fits here too.
But those feelings you’re getting about aren’t the only issue here. It’s not the only thing that happens during The Quiet Years.
Because they bring up this weird feeling of just being off, you know, when you just feel like somethings wrong, and for the life of you, you can’t figure out what is actually wrong, what is feeling off.
They bring up the random emotions that come out of nowhere, the tears that fall when you’re sitting alone, and the house is so fucking quiet it’s deafening.
They bring up the thoughts of what do I do now? When you’re finally alone more, and you have that time to think, and do more things for you, but you have no idea what to even do with yourself.
You can only work so many hours, you can only clean the house for so much time, after that what is left? What do you do for you?
Because you’re not used to doing anything for you anymore, and when you do you feel so guilty for it, like it’s somehow wrong for you to do anything for yourself.
You know nothing is actually wrong, in fact everything’s good, except this strange empty feeling that you can’t shake no matter what you do.
Your life is great, moneys coming in, house is in good shape, for the most part, you’re getting out and about sometimes, work is going well.
So why do you still feel off?
Because something big’s changed?
Yeah, but it’s more than that. It’s not just because something big’s changed, it’s because the way you see your role as a parent has changed too. The intensity of that role as a parent has changed, and it’s normal for changes like that to happen as a parent. This time, it’s different though because you have more time to thing and more space to yourself that is now bringing up these issues.
It brings up the fact that because you invested everything into that role of being a parent, you slowly lost sight of who you actually are outside of that, your hobbies and things you used to do slowly dwindled away to where you didn’t even do them anymore, because you quite frankly didn’t have time to do them.
You invested everything into being a parent, and your individual identity, that got buried underneath your role. So that feeling of being off, it’s because the thing you wrapped your identity around for so long, IE being a parent, has changed. It’s normal to feel off when this happens, and now you have more time for yourself, you get to bring you back into the picture again for the first time in years.
Why this stage gets missed
The thing is, this stage gets missed, it doesn’t get the help it needs, because it isn’t dramatic enough.
Apart from that is the exact reason why it needs the air time.
It’s the exact moment that needs talking about more.
You see a lot about pregnancy, early childhood, empty nest and midlife crisis. Yeah they’re more dramatic, that’s why they’re spoken about more. That why people are out there more talking about these things and helping parents with these things. They can and do change parents as well. What you don’t see much is the parents who are quietly struggling with their identity after kids start being more independent. It’s almost forgotten about, because your kids obviously still need you, even though it isn’t in the same way anymore.
Parents are almost expected to enjoy this stage more, to enjoy their freedom more. Parent’s are almost expected to be over the moon with it and rush out and do more things for them again, to bring hobbies back again. But that isn’t the reality for some parents.
Some parents struggle with this stage, they feel so fucking guilty for wanting to do anything for themselves, some don’t even try. They just continue to drift through life, hoping that the feeling of being off goes away. Apart from it doesn’t just go away on it’s own. It just feels so much worse when it gets to empty nest. That’s why it’s more dramatic then and that’s why parents are helped more then.
What if we didn’t wait until empty nest and midlife crisis? What if we got our individual identity back again before that point, when it can be slower and steadier?
This is the moment that matters
It’s in this moment, during The Quiet Years that you have more time and space to do more for you.
It’s in this moment you can work on why you feel off, before empty nest, and before midlife crisis.
Why it matters to deal with it now? Because this is the prime moment where you can work on who you are, where you can get the tools you need to be able to deal with what’s going on, figure out who you are again and start doing more of the things you want to do. If you can get the tools you need now, to work on these things, you can use the same tools later when empty nest happens, or midlife. And you will know who you are and what you want to do before those stages happen, so the transition is easier, because you aren’t being thrown in the deep end of the pool without a float.
It’s The Quiet Years that can reshape you.
If you’re ready for it.
Coming back to yourself
What’s important to know here though is that this isn’t about reinventing yourself, or fixing yourself, you’re just coming back home to yourself here, and it doesn’t have to be quick, because there is time to do it slowly and steadily.
Coming home to yourself now, reclaiming yourself, is an important part of this stage.
It can mean you starting to actually bring back some hobbies from your past, or find new hobbies you love, but never had time for before. Like perhaps you used to love gaming, and since having kids you couldn’t do that anymore, so you decide to dust off a few old games, or buy a new one and start gaming again. It doesn’t have to be huge steps, but something that’s actually for you.
It can mean you doing more for you, and putting yourself on your priority list again. Like spending some time at a spa, or getting your nails done, without feeling guilty for it.
It can mean you knowing who you are again outside of being a parent. Like being able to describe who you are, without mentioning those things as a factor. Of course they’re still part of you, but it’s not your whole identity anymore.
Who are you?
Can you answer the question who are you? without mentioning your job, or your family? Just something for you to reflect on personally. If you can’t, then the time to do something about that is now.
That’s where The Quiet Years Orientation Guide is your starting point. Where you can learn more about The Quiet Years for FREE. Click the link and sign up now to read more about it.
If you’re still here, thank you so much for reading my blog, and I hope it helped. If you loved it and want to hear more I will be blogging a lot more regularly on here, and you will find more articles on The Quiet Years, Identity for parents, and other things that can help you on your journey through The Quiet Years.