Identity Loss didn’t happen overnight, that’s what makes it so hard to name.
It’s slow. It’s quiet. It’s the way you can start to feel like you lost yourself, and you don’t even notice it happening at first, because you’re so focused on life and parenting that you’re just too fucking busy to stop and think about you.
Look, it happens to us all. It’s such a big change, and having that little one needing you is bound to make you focus on them, you’re going to naturally end up placing yourself lower on your list.
So trade offs between what you usually do, and what needs to be done happen as a parent.
The Trade Off’s That Happen When You Become A Parent
So your hobbies, got replaced by keeping your little one alive and happy and well.
Your free time, well that doesn’t exist anymore, not when your kids are little.
Those 8 hours sleep you used to get, replaced with a few hours here and there, and what sleep you did get wasn’t as deep as it once was, because you have that one ear always open and listening out for them. And if you’re anything like me, that one ear stays open even when they’re 17 years old.
The adult conversations you used to have, replaced with taking to your child or baby, or talking about them with others.
Your opinions on things, left unspoken, because you’d rather make sure your family and children are happy and safe than get into some kind of debate with someone else, because nothing else is more important that them right now. So your opinions, don’t really get spoken anymore.
Your self care, you actually prioritising yourself and putting yourself first, yeah that got replaced with you putting everyone else first too.
Every Single Trade Off Felt Reasonable
Each time you traded one thing, for another it felt right, it felt reasonable, it feels like what a good parent supposed to do, and you’re right, trade offs like that happen when you become a parent, it is a normal part of parenting that most of us do without even thinking twice about it. And I agree we do need to trade some things off with other more important things sometimes. Whether it’s those mentioned above, or something else as well, they were all reasonable at the time. It made complete sense, and I did it too. But they also compound, they add up together into this identity loss you didn’t see coming. This loss of self you feel.
Slowly, all these trade offs you make, in your time, energy, priorities, and all the things we do when we’re parents, take over. Your life changes in so many ways, and your identity as an individual is a huge trade off you maybe didn’t even see coming. Because you stopped doing some things, because others needed you more, and they became your priority, or because it’s just easier not to do or want certain things whilst your kids are growing up. You got used to being needed and taking care of everyone else’s needs before your own.
Then One Day You Notice
Until one day you maybe notice that you just don’t feel like you anymore, you feel lost. But it doesn’t mean you failed if you feel that way, it does happen gradually and it happens to a lot of people, more that you realise, because a lot of people don’t say it out loud.
You didn’t actually lose yourself though, even though it does feel that way. It’s just over time your identity as an individual got covered over with other things that took priority in that moment. You’re not lost, you’re buried. Buried underneath all those should’s and your roles and responsibilities. They add bury your real identity for a while and it’s not under that role changes that you realise what really happened.
Them Growing Up Didn’t Cause The Identity Loss, It Revealed It
Now your children getting older, and not needing you as much now didn’t cause this loss of identity you feel, it revealed what was there all along, but life and the busy stuff just took over and you didn’t have time to see it. The busyness of day to day took over and, that moment you realise that suddenly 15 fucking years have gone by and you have no clue were they went, or what you even did during that time is the moment you realise hang on, who am I now? Like what do I do with myself now I have all this time and space I didn’t have before?
You Can Undo This
The good news is, now you realised that you maybe lost yourself, and you don’t know who you are anymore, or what it is you wanna do with your time. You are in control, and you can do something about it.
That gradual identity loss, can be undone. You can be yourself again, you can do more of what you want and you can stand with your head held high and say this is who I am, this is what I want, and I don’t give a flying fuck if you don’t like it, because I do, and love who I am now.
And the process that gets you there, that can take as short or as long as you need it too, and it’s one step at a time, at your pace.
That process, that undoing, that’s what I’d call an Identity Reset. And it doesn’t look like what you think. It’s not dramatic. It’s not burning your life down and starting fresh. It’s quieter than that. It’s learning to hear yourself again, after years of listening to everyone else first. Identity Reset will explain deeper on how you got to this moment right now, and help you get started on where to go now.
A Quiet Way To Start Finding Yourself Again
Before we do this, because I didn’t wanna leave you without something you could walk away with the help right now.
You don’t need a big plan. You don’t need a new version of you. You don’t need to fix anything.
If identity loss happened through small, reasonable choices, it makes sense that the way back is small too.
Here are a few ways you can start:
- Name one thing you used to do that felt like you. Something small, like reading. Something you hadn’t felt like you had time for.
- Ask yourself, what did I stop doing because it was easier not to do it?
- Choose one tiny thing you can do, that can take as little as 10 minutes that you put aside all those years ago.
- Choose one boundary that you can stick too. Like I’m going to read for half an hour a day, do not disturb me.
- Don’t be afraid to want things for yourself, even if they’re small right now.
- Pay attention to your day to day and things that make you feel more like you, and things that don’t.
You’re not doing anything massive here, just collecting information, becoming away, changing a few little things, that’s all.
You don’t even have to do them all. Start with one, and increase from there when you’re ready.
You’re uncovering who you are again, and that can take time.